Monday, February 25, 2013

Hobbyist Lobbyists

... Or:  For the Love of God, please do not judge me!

Unless it revolves around finding cures for common colds, any hobby can logically be dubbed by mothers everywhere a 'Complete Waste of Time'.  After all, devoting energy into a pastime that does not return the favor comes close to skirting that insanity definition we are all familiar with.

Think about it:  I devote energy admiring Kim Kardashian's ass.  After doing so for however many years, is she going to show up at my door one day and offer a 'thanks a lot' blow job?  Of course not.  I don't play basketball.  Or bleach my teeth.

What, other than a secretive marital aid, does admiring Kim Kardashian's ass get me?


So why do we devote energies into ungrateful pastimes?

I think it was Ralph Waldo Emerson, but a wise man once said - and I am paraphrasing here, "You may as well distract and shield yourself from the universally inevitable conclusion that 'Life sucks and then you die.'"

Kim Kardashian's ass is, if nothing else, a distraction from the banal; the same as all of my other hobbies.  Yours, too.

"Hold on there, Anti-Grammar," I can hear the protests now, "I get more stimulation out of _____ as your wife does her vibrator.  Do not tell me _____ is a mere distraction!"

Being a good husband and father, raising our children so that they aren't self-centered little beasts, making a difference in the lives of anyone but myself - those are the areas that I choose to focus on.  Give or take a few commandments.

If I am to be judged by my hobbies, I may as well be judged by my admiration of Kim Kardashian's ass.

'Cause an interest in Captain Beefheart paints me hungry and weird.  And admitting an appreciation for Lucy Van Pelt gets me nothing but angry stares from the Snoopy crowd... the uptight bastards. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Board Gaming for Non-Geeks

NoteThis post is in no way safe for work, safe around kids, safe around wives or for anyone with common decency or delicate natures. 

In continuing effort to bond and develop positive interactions with my family, I have recently been on a bit of a board game kick.  Video games have long progressed beyond my interest in them - and role-playing games are best left as marital aids.  Talking is out.  I mean, who wants to hear about work, school, and friend related drama all day every day? 

What else is there? 

What's that?  You assumed that board games were either endless Monopoly variants or some type of crazy wargame played by sweaty guys named Ernie and Wallace Quiverlip, Masters of the Painted Miniature?  Yeah.  Me, too.  But board games have come a long way, baby. 

Pick a theme and there is certain to be a game out there waiting to be played.

Like tits - and the horny and lonely who wish to see a pair. 

"Busen Memo is a memorization game, not dissimilar from Memory and Concentration. Here you must find the matching left and right breasts of 48 women."

Tits?  Seriously??

It is hard enough to break the chains of nerdy stereotypes without something like Busen Memo coming along and setting the entire gaming community back forty years.  Sadly, I know exactly what the suffragettes and women libbers felt like. 

... And, considering their constant shame, professional wrestling fans.