Sunday, March 3, 2013

Your Friendly Local Gaming Store

... Or:  So THAT'S where the A.V. Kids went! 

In my neck of the words there are a couple of regarded board gaming stores, one of them minutes away.

Board games, card games, war games, role-playing games; row upon row of games and miniature supplies crammed around 4 large gaming tables rented out to dice bags and their statistical probabilities.

And, someday, a place to host Dicks and Pricks® tournaments.   

Of the games I have snagged these past months, I've purchased somewhere around 15.73% of them from that particular location.  Give or take.  That number might be shockingly low to the brick and mortar purists, but when entertainment dollars are scarce in a world of rec center youth [fill in the blank] leagues, school plays, cello lessons, traveling softball teams and volleyball academies, you have to pick and choose your battles.

I drift in and out, so I am not a 'Valued Customer' - nor do I even know if the store in question has a program that rewards the schmuck off the street by discounting 10-15% off retail.  Frankly, there should be banners peppering the store with such reminders.

Because let me tell you, the typical board game these days runs you something between thirty-five and sixty-five smackeroos.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Hobbyist Lobbyists

... Or:  For the Love of God, please do not judge me!

Unless it revolves around finding cures for common colds, any hobby can logically be dubbed by mothers everywhere a 'Complete Waste of Time'.  After all, devoting energy into a pastime that does not return the favor comes close to skirting that insanity definition we are all familiar with.

Think about it:  I devote energy admiring Kim Kardashian's ass.  After doing so for however many years, is she going to show up at my door one day and offer a 'thanks a lot' blow job?  Of course not.  I don't play basketball.  Or bleach my teeth.

What, other than a secretive marital aid, does admiring Kim Kardashian's ass get me?


So why do we devote energies into ungrateful pastimes?

I think it was Ralph Waldo Emerson, but a wise man once said - and I am paraphrasing here, "You may as well distract and shield yourself from the universally inevitable conclusion that 'Life sucks and then you die.'"

Kim Kardashian's ass is, if nothing else, a distraction from the banal; the same as all of my other hobbies.  Yours, too.

"Hold on there, Anti-Grammar," I can hear the protests now, "I get more stimulation out of _____ as your wife does her vibrator.  Do not tell me _____ is a mere distraction!"

Being a good husband and father, raising our children so that they aren't self-centered little beasts, making a difference in the lives of anyone but myself - those are the areas that I choose to focus on.  Give or take a few commandments.

If I am to be judged by my hobbies, I may as well be judged by my admiration of Kim Kardashian's ass.

'Cause an interest in Captain Beefheart paints me hungry and weird.  And admitting an appreciation for Lucy Van Pelt gets me nothing but angry stares from the Snoopy crowd... the uptight bastards. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Board Gaming for Non-Geeks

NoteThis post is in no way safe for work, safe around kids, safe around wives or for anyone with common decency or delicate natures. 

In continuing effort to bond and develop positive interactions with my family, I have recently been on a bit of a board game kick.  Video games have long progressed beyond my interest in them - and role-playing games are best left as marital aids.  Talking is out.  I mean, who wants to hear about work, school, and friend related drama all day every day? 

What else is there? 

What's that?  You assumed that board games were either endless Monopoly variants or some type of crazy wargame played by sweaty guys named Ernie and Wallace Quiverlip, Masters of the Painted Miniature?  Yeah.  Me, too.  But board games have come a long way, baby. 

Pick a theme and there is certain to be a game out there waiting to be played.

Like tits - and the horny and lonely who wish to see a pair. 

"Busen Memo is a memorization game, not dissimilar from Memory and Concentration. Here you must find the matching left and right breasts of 48 women."

Tits?  Seriously??

It is hard enough to break the chains of nerdy stereotypes without something like Busen Memo coming along and setting the entire gaming community back forty years.  Sadly, I know exactly what the suffragettes and women libbers felt like. 

... And, considering their constant shame, professional wrestling fans.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Third Reich 'n' Roll

The album that put the Residents on the collective map...

** Side One:  Swastikas on Parade

** Side Two:  Hitler Was A Vegetarian
* Note German censorship of album cover

Noted psychoanalyst Erik Erikson professed that humans go through eight stages of psychosocial development in their lifetime; the most significant stages, obviously, being the earliest.  According to Erikson, all early stages were meant to prepare the human for stage seven: Middle Adulthood (35-55). 

When I was eight years old, my Uncle Larry (AKA: Donald to you) felt it time to introduce a 'proper music education'.  In his infinite wisdom, the first album he ever played for me was the Residents' Third Reich 'n' Roll.  Within minutes, I became so disturbed that I began to cry.  His reaction, at least initially, was to turn up the volume and laugh at me.

Being ten years older than myself, I have no doubt that the end result that day was exactly what he intended.  Teenagers, after all, have cruel streaks in them.  Had he known that his act of sonic terrorism would set me on a bohemian-laced, avant gardening path, he probably would have been twice as pleased with himself.

We all could use an Uncle Larry in our lives.